Let's admit it, Democrats. Now that the election is over, we can take the mask off and show our real agenda. We all know that Mitt Romney was right: We liberals are just dying to get out there and apologize to everyone for everything.
Because we all know how ashamed liberals are to be Americans.
So now that we can talk freely, now that the electoral votes are locked in and our control of the Senate is assured, let's get down to some serious apologizing.
We apologize to the Germans for whipping them in World War II. They make nice cars. Such, nice, nice cars. What were we thinking, crushing a racist, evil bid for world domination and authoritarianism? Sorry about that.
We apologize to the Russians for beating them to the moon. No excuse there. Sputnik was so neat. You guys deserved to be first.
We apologize to the millions of white males who voted in the last election. We liberals thoughtlessly voted ourselves, canceling out your vote. So sorry. You ran this country for a very long time, and it was wrong of us to think the country might be ours, too.
We apologize to women, for wanting them to have access to birth control. It was pigheaded of us to think you didn't have ways of shutting that down on your own.
We apologize to endangered species, for not letting the 1 percent finish hunting you down for hides and ivory. What is an elephant going to do with a pair of tusks? They look much better as jewelry. Tiger skins were made to be fireplace rugs. Everyone knows that. And now that there are only one or two of you left alive in the wild, the loneliness is probably killing you anyway.
We apologize to Big Oil, for not letting you have everything you want. We are all going to die from global warming anyway. Might as well let you live it up during the time you have left.
We apologize to racists, for making you feel inferior. You're feelings get hurt so, so easily, and we should know better.
We apologize to married people. We should have realized that when that gay couple moved in next door, you'd get divorced.
We apologize to the hard working wealthy conservatives for the poor among us who don't pay taxes. We realize that you pay as little taxes as you possibly can, but when we pay none that makes you crazy with jealousy. It's just not right to make your neighbor jealous. And by "neighbor" we mean the people across town behind the gates.
We apologize for riding bikes on the roads you paid for with your tax money. We should know that your Hummer needs the whole lane plus the shoulder.
We apologize to polio, for curing you. We promise that we will manage West Nile much less competently, and with hugely expensive, privately funded treatments.
We apologize to children, for trying to force universal health care on you. We should have known that childhood disease is the way God intended to weed out the dumb ones.
We apologize to Wall Street, for not making you feel sufficiently appreciated. You built that, after all.
We apologize to Republican strategists, for not telling you elderly white males don't make up 51% of the population.
We apologize to elderly white males. We really do, truly, care what you think. It's just that you don't care what we think. Somehow there must be a middle ground there. Maybe if we worship you and you pretend the rest of America is almost worthy of your contempt.
We apologize to the middle ground. We saw your face on some milk cartons at the end of Clinton administration, but somehow you were never found.
We apologize to the Supreme Court, for two things. First, for thinking the Constitution is written in English and therefore that we might be able to read and understand it. And second, apologies to the conservative justices for making you get older so you will have to be replaced with people who have common sense one day.
We apologize to Islam, for mistakingly thinking the constitutional guarantee of freedom of religion applies to non-Christian faiths.
We apologize to engineers and scientists, for misleading you into thinking what you had to say mattered.
We apologize to billionaires, for tricking you into thinking you can buy your way into the White House for $1 billion. Turns out it's going to take a lot more money than that. And we also apologize for not realizing that spending billions on an election cycle is your version of an economic stimulus plan.
Finally, we apologize to Mitt Romney. Somewhere between Harvard Business School, private equity, and the election we changed the definition of the American Dream. Used to be you could buy that, clean and simple, but some folks are starting to get other ideas. We would have suggested that you start a campaign to get your Cayman Islands bank account elected president there, but it is our understanding that your Cayman money was BORN IN THE USA.